Taboo Topics: What is Cancer Ghosting

A diagnosis of pancreatic cancer can be challenging to navigate - when loved ones step in to provide help in ways large and small it can be a welcome relief. But sometimes a friend, acquaintance or family member who was present in a person's life before a cancer diagnosis, disappears without explanation, leaving feelings of sadness and anxiety for the person facing cancer. There's a word for this behavior: cancer ghosting.

Here, PanCAN Associate Director of Patient Services, Research and Education Alejandra Alvarez talks more about this phenomenon and why it can happen. She also offers suggestions for ways to cope with the emotional impact.

What does the term "cancer ghosting" mean?

Cancer ghosting can be difficult to understand. Maybe you have heard the term "ghosting" in the context of dating: Two people meet and start dating, then suddenly one of the two stops responding. No texts or calls left to explain why they aren't interested anymore, just anxiety and a person left wondering what they did wrong. Perhaps you have ghosted someone before or maybe experienced it yourself, and it is no fun for either person.

Cancer ghosting is similar. One example might involve a friend of someone with a serious diagnosis, like pancreatic cancer. Consumed by emotions like sadness, fear or even the anxiety of wanting to do or say the right thing, the friend goes dark - ghosting their friend living with cancer. It is not usually done maliciously or with bad intent. But that does not make it easier for people living with cancer to cope with the behavior.

What do we know about how often this happens to patients diagnosed with cancer?

A recent poll of people living with breast cancer showed just how common it is: Nearly three-quarters of respondents felt a withdrawal of friends and family after their diagnosis. The shared impact of cancer ghosting is surely felt across cancer types.

And the impact is felt in different ways for different people. We know that people at the highest risk of loneliness and isolation after a cancer diagnosis are those facing disparities related to race, ethnicity, geography, sexual identity, language barriers and financial insecurity. Cancer ghosting stands to add to the burden experienced by these groups.

Why does this happen?

There are many reasons why cancer ghosting might happen. Some people simply feel too uncomfortable or afraid to discuss hard topics like serious illness, cancer and end-of-life.

There is also a stigma around serious illness. Some people might be uncomfortable being around hospitals and medical equipment, or they may feel uneasy around a loved one with cancer who looks different due to hair or weight loss.

Most of the time, cancer ghosting is not deliberate, just a byproduct of a loved one's lack of understanding about how to communicate with people living with cancer. But deliberate or not, the emotional toll of cancer ghosting remains, and loved ones should be prepared to have difficult conversations, or at the very least, offer compassionate and loving support.

What are tips to support someone who is living with pancreatic cancer? How can we make cancer ghosting a thing of the past?

Cancer ghosting can become a thing of the past if we communicate early and honestly about how we feel, including what makes us comfortable, what feels difficult and how we can offer support. You don't have to have the perfect words. Even a simple phrase like, "I'm not sure what to say, but please know I'm here for you," can mean a lot.

Supporting someone living with pancreatic cancer can take many forms, big and small. Sometimes, the most meaningful connections are the simplest, like sending a card, checking in with a text or making regular phone calls to help prevent feelings of isolation.

Practical help also makes a difference. Offering to cook a meal, drive to appointments, pick up prescriptions or help with children's activities lightens the daily load in tangible ways. Just as important, offering to spend time with your loved one so their caregiver can rest shows care for the whole family.

Remember that connection doesn't always have to do with their disease. If your loved one feels up to it, plan a night out, like a casual dinner, a funny movie or something lighthearted that gives them a break. Take a walk together, join a yoga class or share a spa day. At other times, simply being present is enough. Spend time together at home and connect over a cup of tea or share a favorite snack. These simple gestures can help return a sense of normalcy and routine.

Importantly, show that you are willing to listen without judgment. It may take time for your loved one to open up about their needs. Reassure them that you will be there when they are ready and pay attention to subtle ways they may be asking for help. Patience, consistency and showing up sends the message: You are not alone.

How can a person who has experienced cancer ghosting cope with the emotional impact of this behavior?

The best way to deal with any situation that causes an emotional toll is to communicate early and often - with trusted family and friends, healthcare providers, therapists, social workers and others in your support system. They can help you process the situation in a healthy way and manage the difficult emotions that come with being ghosted.

Know that you are always deserving of love, compassion, community and support.

How does PanCAN Patient Services support the emotional needs of people living with pancreatic cancer and their loved ones?

PanCAN Patient Services Case Managers hear every day from people living with pancreatic cancer who are struggling with the significant emotional toll of a cancer diagnosis. Concerns like anxiety, depression, loneliness and isolation are common challenges for people living with pancreatic cancer, and cancer ghosting can feel like another loss at a time of great uncertainty. First and foremost, Case Managers can listen and be present. They can bear witness to the experience and offer support. They can also offer information on ways to connect with others, including both online and in-person support groups and our Survivor & Caregiver Network.