Forbidden Friends Become Former Friends After Moms Voice Disapproval

A new study tracking nearly 400 students ages 9 to 14 found that when mothers strongly disapprove of a child's friends, those friendships are far more likely to unravel.

It's a tale as old as time: Parents don't like the company their children keep - and don't hesitate to say so. Often, parents openly state their disapproval, hoping that children will abandon unwelcome affiliates and seek out more acceptable companions. This raises the question: "Is friend disapproval an effective parenting strategy?"

A new two-year longitudinal study from Florida Atlantic University and Mykolas Romeris University in Lithuania is the first to examine the efficacy of parent disapproval as a friendship disruptor.The results provide a clear answer. Forbidden friends often become former friends.

Researchers tracked the best friendships of 394 Lithuanian public-school students (200 boys, 194 girls) ages 9 to 14 across three consecutive semesters to understand how maternal opinions impact friendships. Best friends described whether their mothers disapproved of and prohibited relationships with peers. Friends also described the quality of their relationship in terms of its warmth and support.

The research focused on best friends - two children who both reported being friends for the better part of at least one school year. Despite being in the same classes the next academic year, approximately one-third of these best friendships did not survive. In many of these cases, children reported that mothers did not like their friends.

The study, published in Child Development , is the first to show that when mothers share negative opinions about a friendship, they increase the odds of its demise.

"Maternal interference in peer relationships can be quite successful," said Brett Laursen, Ph.D., senior author and a professor of psychology in FAU's Charles E. Schmidt College of Science. "Moms are very effective relationship 'hitmen.' Most friendships don't survive condemnation by mothers."

How does the process work? In some instances, children take the not-so-subtle hint and discontinue friendships in response to the opinions expressed by mothers.

"Perhaps youth are persuaded by parental arguments. Or want to keep parents happy. Or perhaps the friendship is suffocated by parental restrictions," said Goda Kaniušonytė, Ph.D., first-author and a professor at the Institute of Psychology, Mykolas Romeris University. "Either way, some children retreat from an affiliation after mother objects to it."

Even when maternal disapproval doesn't immediately disrupt a friendship, it has an indirect, pernicious impact on its quality. Maternal disapproval was linked to gradual declines in friendship support, especially from the friend's perspective, and declining perceptions of support ultimately lead to friendship dissolution.

"Maternal disapproval makes the affiliation increasingly unpalatable for the child's friend, gradually weakening friendship bonds, which eventually precipitates the demise of the relationship," said Laursen. "Mothers successfully disrupt censured friendships by degrading the interpersonal environment until it can no longer sustain the relationship."

For the most part, the results did not differ across grades, although maternal disapproval was more strongly related to diminished perceptions of friend support in primary school than in middle school youth. In contrast, low friend support was more strongly linked to friendship dissolution in middle school youth than in primary school youth. Even so, the overall pathway - from disapproval to reduced support to dissolution - was consistent across age groups.

The researchers are quick to note that there are serious downsides to parent disapproval of friends.

"Prohibition is not a constructive strategy for managing unwanted friendships," said Laursen. "A dissolved friendship is not a parenting victory. Breaking up a friendship is easy. Helping your child find a suitable replacement is hard, sometimes impossible.It is often the case that youth who were previously friends with a troubled classmate have few options for new friends and must choose from among similarly troubled options. Or go without friends, which is rarely desirable."

The researchers say that there are other downsides worth noting. Prior work indicates that peer troubles follow from parent meddling in peer relationships. Increased defiance, as well as emotional and behavioral problems have been linked to parent prohibition of friends. The loss of a friend can leave children vulnerable, particularly those with few social connections. Children with few friends are apt to conform to preserve existing ties. Children with no friends are apt to be bullied. There are also costs to the parent-child relationship.

"Disapproval can be an effective way to disrupt unwanted friendships, but short-term gains come with long-term costs," said Laursen. "Intervening in peer relationships can create conflict that damages the parent-child bond. Instead of heavy-handed approaches, parents may be better served by fostering warmth and support at home - conditions that not only strengthen the parent-child relationship but also help children resist negative peer pressure and form healthy friendships."

Study co-author is Mary Page Legget-James, Ph.D., an FAU Ph.D. developmental psychology graduate (now at Gallup).

This research was supported by the European Social Fund and the Research Council of Lithuania and by a state budget-funded Centers of Excellence Initiative at Mykolas Romeris University.

-FAU-