How to help children cope with the loss of a pet - Children's National

Dogs, cats, birds, fish, small rodents and reptiles are a source of joy in children's lives. Animals can teach children about compassion, gentleness, responsibility and love.

But like childhood itself, animal companions do not last forever. When a pet dies, a child may confront death and grief for the first time. Here's how parents and caregivers can support children when they are grieving a pet.

When do kids understand death?

Children's concept of death depends on their age. Most children can't grasp that death is final until well into their school years.

Younger children may react to the sudden absence of a pet with confusion or even indifference. Older children may understand that their companion isn't coming back. But they may have deeper spiritual or philosophical concerns about life and death.

Some children are curious about their pet's death; others are not. Some share their emotions openly; others process grief and loss privately. Children may respond to pet death with tears, anger, confusion or quiet reflection. They may process the event through play with dolls or action figures. There's no wrong way to grieve!

What should parents say about pet loss?

What to say when someone loses a pet can be challenging. But you know your children better than anyone and can let them guide the conversation.

Keep the channels open. It's fine if the child does not want to talk right away. If questions arise about what has happened to the pet, simple, truthful answers are best. It's OK to say the animal died: Phrases such as "passed on" or "gone to sleep" can confuse younger children or even frighten them about going to sleep at bedtime.

Keeping memories

Honoring an animal's life in a way that works with your family's spiritual or philosophical beliefs and traditions can help a child feel connected and safe. If it feels right, you can work together to:

• Frame a picture of the pet
• Gather photos and happy memories into a scrapbook
• Set aside a special stone or decoration in the home or garden.

Should we replace the pet that died?

As tempting as it is to try to ease your child's heartbreak over the death of a pet, it makes sense to wait for the grief to ease before filling the vacancy.

Children and the whole family may need time to process the loss. It helps children recognize that animals are individual living things, different from inanimate objects that can be replaced when they break or wear out.

Waiting can ensure children are ready to greet, appreciate and care for a new animal who may look or behave differently from the one that died.

Children and grief: What to look out for

Grief is a normal response to the loss of something (or someone) important. Your child may need time before they're back to normal. But check in with your child's doctor or mental health professional to rule out an onset of depression if your child is experiencing:

• lethargy
• loss of appetite
• sleep disturbances
• lack of self-care
• significantly impaired daily routines

Keeping a routine

The death of a beloved pet can affect the whole family for several days, weeks or even months. While it's important to give space for feelings, continuity is reassuring.

Children need to feel that family life is intact and they are safe. Following the normal schedule for school, meals, sports and other activities provides structure for children who are hurting, while demonstrating that life - and love - will continue.