Beyond “I’m Fine”: How to Check In When Someone May Be Struggling

Insights by Cynthia Vejar - Assistant Professor of Clinical Mental Health Counseling, Lebanon Valley College

"How are you?" "I'm fine." The exchange is so familiar that neither person may give it much thought. "How are you?" often functions more as a greeting than a genuine question, while "I'm fine" has become the expected response. But sometimes those two words can obscure what a person is truly experiencing.

Cynthia Vejar, Associate Professor of Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Lebanon Valley College, encourages people to look beyond the automatic response, pay attention to changes in those around them, and create space for more honest conversations. "'I'm fine' has become, in many ways, a 'non-answer,'" Vejar said. "If we are genuinely trying to understand how someone is doing, we need to create a space where it is clear that we are really asking-and pay attention to other verbal and nonverbal cues."

Those cues may include someone becoming more withdrawn, irritable, anxious, tired, distracted, or overwhelmed than usual. A person may stop participating in activities they typically enjoy, miss school or work, or experience changes in eating, sleeping, communication, appearance, performance, or substance use. The key is not any one behavior, but a noticeable departure from the person's usual patterns. "The goal is not to assume that a change means something is wrong, but rather to recognize when a change might give us a reason to genuinely check in," Vejar said.

People may hide what they are experiencing for many reasons. They may not want to break the social expectation that they should say they are fine, or they may worry about burdening someone else. Opening up also brings uncertainty: Will the other person listen without judgment? Will they offer an empty platitude, try to fix the problem, minimize the situation, or share it with someone else? "Sometimes saying 'I'm fine' feels safer and easier than taking the risk of finding out," Vejar said.

A meaningful check-in can begin by gently disrupting the familiar exchange. Someone might respond to "I'm fine" by asking, "What does 'fine' mean to you?" Other options include "How have things been lately?" or "What has this week been like for you?" It can also help to mention a specific observation without attaching a judgment to it. Saying "You seem quieter than usual" or "I've noticed you don't seem like yourself lately" communicates that the person has been seen and that someone cares enough to ask.

Being specific can make a check-in feel more sincere, particularly when someone has recently faced a challenging situation. Asking, "I know you had that big chemistry test yesterday. How are you holding up?" shows that the person asking remembers what has been happening in the other person's life. If the individual is not ready to talk, it is important not to apply pressure. A response such as "I'm here if you want to talk" keeps the door open and lets the person know support is available when they are ready.

When someone does begin to share, listening is often more valuable than immediately trying to solve the problem. Even well-intentioned advice can make people feel as though they are handling their situations incorrectly or need to act before they have had an opportunity to be heard. "As simple as it sounds-and as hard as it can be to do-putting away the need to give the perfect advice, putting the cell phone down, and giving someone your full attention is truly a rare gift," Vejar said.

Good listening also means understanding what kind of support the person wants. Vejar recommends asking, "Would you like me to just listen, or would you like me to brainstorm some ideas with you?" Responses such as "That sounds really difficult," "I'm glad you told me," or "I'm here for you" can validate the person's feelings without attempting to fix them. By contrast, comments such as "It could be worse" or "Think of the bright side" may feel dismissive, even when offered with good intentions. Relating the person's experience to one's own can sometimes help, but it can also shift attention away from the person who originally needed support.

Support should continue beyond the first conversation. Following up demonstrates that the initial check-in was genuine rather than an obligation, but it is important to remember that someone who is struggling may not want to discuss the situation every time they see a friend or loved one. At times, the person may simply want to have coffee, laugh, take a walk, or talk about something else. "A good middle ground might be to say, 'I'm always here to talk about this, but I also realize you may not always want to talk about it,'" Vejar said. "This allows the person to know that the door is still open without making them feel pressured to walk through it every time you are together."

While many check-ins involve everyday struggles, certain changes may indicate more serious distress. Warning signs of suicide can include talking about wanting to die, expressing hopelessness or feeling trapped, saying that others would be better off without them, withdrawing significantly, giving away meaningful possessions, saying unusual goodbyes, taking dangerous risks, experiencing extreme mood changes, increasing alcohol or drug use, frequently discussing death, or making or researching a suicide plan. These signs can be especially concerning when they are new, becoming more frequent, or represent a significant change from the person's typical behavior.

Any statement about suicide should be taken seriously rather than dismissed as attention-seeking. "If someone is showing that they need help, then they need help," Vejar said. "Their words and behaviors should be taken seriously rather than dismissed or questioned in an attempt to determine whether they 'really mean it.'"

If someone is concerned that a friend or loved one may be considering suicide, Vejar recommends asking directly. A person might say, "I care about you, and I want to ask you something directly. Are you thinking about suicide?" Although using direct language may feel uncomfortable, asking about suicide does not put the idea into someone's mind. Instead, the question can give the person permission to speak honestly and show that their distress is being taken seriously. "The goal is not to ask perfectly, but rather to communicate: 'I care enough about you to ask this question, and I am prepared to hear your answer,'" Vejar said.

Vague wording, such as "You're not going to do anything, are you?" can make the meaning unclear and suggest that there is a preferred answer. Clear language allows both people to speak directly about a serious concern. If someone says they are thinking about suicide, the first steps are to listen and take the disclosure seriously. Thanking the person for sharing can reinforce that reaching out was the right thing to do. It is also important to explain that suicidal thoughts cannot be kept secret and that additional support must be involved.

"There is a tremendous difference between telling someone, 'You should probably call someone,' and helping them actually make that connection," Vejar said. That assistance could mean sitting beside the person while they call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, accompanying them to a counseling center, or helping them contact a trusted person. If there is an immediate life-threatening situation, do not leave the person alone and call 911. Those providing support should also recognize the emotional impact the experience can have on them and seek help from a trusted person or mental health professional if needed.

People do not need to be mental health professionals or have perfect words to make a meaningful difference. By noticing changes, asking genuine questions, listening without judgment, and helping someone connect with trained support, members of the LVC community can show others that they are seen and do not have to navigate difficult experiences alone. Anyone experiencing a suicidal, mental health, or substance-use crisis-or concerned about someone else-can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

Clinical Mental Health Counseling at LVC

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