A BU Guide for Parents: Knowing When to Intervene

The phone calls typically start coming in mid-October-as midterms approach.

That's when many college students, facing mounting academic pressure and feeling overwhelmed by pangs of homesickness, call home to unload on their parents. It's a conversation that makes parents anxious and spurs them to want to jump in with a life preserver.

Resist that urge, says Mathilde Ross, a staff psychiatrist at Counseling & Psychiatry Services (CAPS), the mental health arm of Boston University's Student Health Services (SHS), and author of a TED Talk on whether today's overbearing parenting advice leads to more anxious children.

Instead, she says, try reframing the situation.

That classic call home "sobbing about fill-in-the-blank: my roommate hates me; my classes are too hard; I don't like the food-that call is good," Ross says. "It means that when your kid is upset, they want to connect with you. That's a pretty adaptive way of handling stress. From a mental health provider standpoint, that's exactly what you want."

However, that's not to say that all calls home (or a lack of calls) should be treated the same. When should parents intervene? And when should they just offer moral support from the sidelines?

It depends on the situation, BU experts say.

Build those supports

Your goal as a parent should be to help your college student help themselves.

"One of the most important factors in easing the transition to college is community," says Hannah Landsberg (Sargent'12, SPH'13), SHS associate director. "Encouraging your student to find and build connections early on can make a tremendous difference."

That means figuring out who to go to when they need help. Prompting students to identify the right resources sooner rather than later-whether that's academic advising, career services, Residence Life, CAPS, the Newbury Center (for first-generation college students), or other campus supports-can help them stay on track should they run into issues down the line, Landsberg says.

But just as important: their social network.

"Strong social connections are essential to their overall well-being and success," Landsberg says. "Your child's friends are the ones who will end up making sure they get home safe at the end of the night or serve as cram-session buddies for big tests. Encourage your student to attend dorm events, sign up for clubs, talk to people in their classes or the dining hall-whatever gets them out and meeting people, even if it feels intimidating."

As Ross puts it: "I tell people the number one job during freshman year is making friends."

Discerning student distress

Of course, students may call their parents to vent feelings they're not comfortable sharing with peers. Those conversations will usually help students feel better. But there are situations that signal deeper student distress, and figuring out the difference between what's normal college stress and what's cause for concern comes down to really knowing your child.

For example: is the daughter who had been thriving academically now struggling to get even passing grades? Does the social butterfly son suddenly have no relationship with his friends? Is the formerly quiet and studious kid now going out and partying all the time?

Listen to your spidey sense. "I really do believe in parental intuition," Ross says.

You may want to reach out to someone at the University with concerns or to learn about student services, among them the Dean of Students, 617-353-4126; Residence Life, 617-353-4380; Disability & Access Services, 617-353-3658; the Educational Resource Center, 617-353-7077; Survivor Advocacy, Response, & Prevention, 617-353-7277; or CAPS, 617-353-3569.

Remember, however, that you can't access services for them or book their appointments. Your student, now an adult, is ultimately responsible for his or her own self-care.

Recognize a crisis

That said, there are scenarios where you should act immediately, Ross says: if you think your student might be seriously ill-including if you think they're having a mental health crisis, such as if they're seriously not sounding like themselves or if they say something suggesting they're thinking about death.

"If your student is ever in crisis, you don't have to handle it alone," says Kara Cattani, executive director of mental health services and CAPS. "If they talk about suicide, harming themselves, or hurting someone else, it's important to reach out right away."

Campus services are here to support both you and your student in navigating emergencies. CAPS has a 24/7 on-call service for mental health emergencies at 617-353-3569, where a clinician can talk with you or your student and help determine the best next steps, whether that's connecting with therapy, additional support, or if needed, a higher level of care.

The Boston University Police Department can also conduct wellness checks if there is significant concern for a student's safety or well-being, and it's reachable 24 hours a day at 617-353-2121.

Communicate

As in every part of life, communication is key. Before school gets too busy, have a conversation with your student about how-and how often-to stay in touch.

"It's helpful to name the natural tension between supporting your student and giving them independence," Cattani says. "Ask open questions and show curiosity about how much they'd like you to check in or what kind of help feels useful to them during their transition. We all want to know that someone has our back; framing your support as available, but without pressure, helps your student feel both cared for and capable."

Talk with your daughter or son about your expectations regarding the frequency of your communication, whether it's by phone, email, or text. Do you need to keep in touch once a month, once a week, or every two days?

If your student ignores an agreed-upon plan, don't panic (think: what's more likely, they're lying in a ditch somewhere or they're busy juggling clubs and classes?). Instead, have another conversation about it, and maybe come up with a different, more relaxed communication plan. Your goal is to keep the dialogue open and to remain flexible. Remember: this is all new to both of you.

Have realistic expectations about what you can control

At the end of the day, your student is 18 (or soon to be) or older and an adult. What students do while in school is ultimately up to them. BU can tell parents what a student's options are, but cannot disclose information about the student, including their grades or healthcare information. Colleges and universities must have legal permission from students to release any information about their grades, as outlined by the federal Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA).

And be forewarned: a resource center is not a concierge service. University staff will not go to your child's dorm room to ensure that they get up in time for class. (Yes, that has been requested.)

Keep calm

College should be challenging. Growing up requires taking on new experiences and responsibilities. If your student never calls home complaining about how difficult a class is or how hard it is to balance academic and social obligations, they're probably not pushing themselves enough.

Of course, the idea of failure can be scary for students and parents alike, especially at a competitive school like Boston University. But don't forget: "One thing everyone should keep in mind is that college is a super safe place to fall on your face," Ross says. "In lots of areas of development, some amount of falling on your face is actually either inevitable or kind of necessary."

The best thing you can do is to be a steadying force for your student. "A parent's main job is to listen and not freak out," Ross says. She compares it to teaching a teenager how to drive: if you start to show signs of panic, they'll panic, too. But if you're calm and steady-even when they forget to check all their mirrors before changing lanes-"they'll start to feel like they can do it."

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A BU Guide for Parents: Knowing When to Intervene

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